‘God, why did you allow me to see it?’ And I hear God saying ‘because I needed you to change it.’
Sarah Jakes Roberts
This piece is intended for the girls who are still to afraid to speak. For the girls desperately trying to heal. Not just the victims of privileged celebrities, but of Uncles and Cousins and Family Friends and Men in the house at that childhood sleepover you never forgot. I hear you, I see you. I am you. You will make it. Keep pushing through.
On a very large scale, the controversy surrounding the docuseries, Surviving R. Kelly has exposed the attitude of the black community towards sexual violence on it’s very own. Although we all knew (because let’s be real, either we know someone who has been sexually abused or we are someone who has), it’s still unreal seeing people make certain comments and behave as if their way of thinking is not convoluted.
Sexual violence against black girls is allowed to persist because the black community allows it to. The morale of the community preps the victim to be a victim with it’s traditional and operational loopholes, facilitates the violence and then turns it’s back on the victim by choosing not to believe her or worse by just sweeping the whole incident under the rug.
I hate how Black people raise their children. They do not honor the voices of children. The entire ‘don’t talk back, speak when spoken to’ narrative is disgusting. It normalizes science exists because the adults are powerless and insecure in their own worlds (think about this, the average black family doesn’t even own the home they live in, much less owning properties outside of the one they do live in. They have no way to make money other than to trade their time for it. Most are lazy in the mind). And children are the only beings that they are superior over strictly because of age.
i am still yet to watch the #survivingrkelly doc, as, i’m sure, a lot of survivors are. shit’s triggering as fuck. but i am so grateful to the women that spoke up. there is no act more courageous. this conversation is fucking monumental. so here is my contribution. #MeToo pic.twitter.com/w2Unb4pNTc— pls peep my blog (in bio) (@boobking_) January 18, 2019
A Practical Guide to Untrigger Yourself
Have you ever heard the Malcolm X quote, “The most disrespected person in America is the Black woman. The most unprotected person in America is the Black woman. The most neglected person in America is the black woman.”
Sure you have.
I’m here to tell you it’s true. No one comes to protect you, respect you, or make sure you’re not feeling neglected. You’ve gotta do it yourself. And sure, sometimes you feel all alone. But I’m here to let you know that you are not. Healing may feel like the very last thing you want to do, but you’ve got big work to do. You’ve got kids to take care of, a business to run or you just gotta survive.
So, I want to offer some tips to help you when you’re feeling stuck. When you feel like your trauma is getting the best of you.
#1: Admittance & Acceptance
The very last thing you want to do when something harmful is done to you is deny it. Denying it delays the healing process. And as the old adage goes, “don’t put off until tomorrow, what you can do today.” Furthermore, why would you let someone’s actions toward you make a feel way and not address it? To yourself at the very least?
Love yourself enough to accept that you’ve been harmed. It happened. It can’t unhappen. And you’re on your way to guaranteeing that it never happens again.
Admit and accept because you do not any extra emotional trauma upon yourself. What you already feel is enough to handle. And you need to handle it so you can get on with life.
#2: Cut off all Contact with that Person
This is self explanatory but I will say this, he or she does not feel any remorse for their actions. They do not even see that what they did was wrong. And you don’t need that negative energy in your life.
#3: Take Inventory of your Emotional State
What exactly are you feeling right now? Acknowledge that. Allow them to stay for a little while, but let them know they can’t stay forever.
I recommend Lisa Nichol’s method as a useful exercise to complete this step:
It’s eviction time for those negative feelings. (I know you probably thought I meant confront the person. Nah I wouldn’t confuse you like that.)
There are many ways you can let it out. You can write a letter and burn it, you can go to the top of the mountain & cry. You can do yoga, dance, take a spiritual bath, whatever you feel you want to do. And once you’re done, leave them there.
At times, the triggers may come. Don’t deny them. Instead, just channel that energy for good. Do something creative, exercise, cook, clean or do something to take care of your emotional well being. Whatever you do, make sure you’re good.
This process is about self compassion. You have to be extra protective of your heart and your mind, not just now but always. Take care of yourself. Admit & accept because you wan to commit to healing. Take inventory of your emotional state because you need to release. Finally, confront and channel because you need to move on in life. And you’ve got big things to do. Stay strong black girl.